Friday, July 15, 2011

Personal Blog 1#

The darkness of sleep. It’s so serene yet foreboding. Like there’s some sort of monster inside yourself, controlling your subconsciousness and giving you the exact dreams you don’t want. Some weird shit goes down in dreams. But in some way they all vaguely correspond to daily events  You wake up, to another day in the same life. It really depends how good your life is.  It could be fucking wonderful, just magnificent. You could be loving it, having the best girlfriend, having the best friends, having all your wishes coming true, getting good grades, having time to yourself- everything that makes life… life. Problem is, when you bring certain people into your life, you find that a lot of pain comes with it. Sure, you become closer to the person and you start to care and it brings benefits. Being in a relationship is a great example, actually. Everything goes so well, you care, you do all the cute things cute couples do. Like lying on the couch together watching movies, saying how much we love each other. Sending all those amazingly long texts. Things fuck up though, you end up in arguments. If the argument is bad enough, you lose the person. And it fucking hurts. It’s not like you can stop just like that. With relationships with people and. It’s just endless. Social conventions, expectations… I can’t even bother writing down all the things that’s going to fuck up when you get close to someone. I’m not trying to ride my high horse here, because in reality, it’s all your own fault. All your actions and mistakes. It all comes down to you. Maybe it’s because you hold up for so long, you’re bound to make mistakes here and there. Everyone does and it’s amazing that religions even put the pressure of not doing any sins. Fuck, of course you’re going to sin. It’s irreversible. So, let’s just say I make one- fuck it two. Three. Three mistake and lose it. Just lost myself to being free, not restricted to any invisible rules set down by the social collective, then voila. Girlfriend gone. Now she hates me and my guts, apparently I’m the biggest bullshit artist. Even if she didn’t condemn it, she encouraged it. That’s that, that’s how it works out in the end. “Everything happens for a reason.” That’s what I hear a lot. Maybe it does. But it still fucking hurts. So I guess I will just move on to a better girl, better feelings. That’s how it works out. It’s kind of a big mindfuck, just stored up in your head. It happens to everyone I swear, because growing up is hard. It’s worth it, but it’s still hard to get through. I want to have someone perfect again to sleep by. And not feel the stresses of today and not feel the pain of yesterday and the pang of what might happen tomorrow. Just someone that actually understands these things and doesn’t fucking whine about what kind of shoes you were or what kind of t-shirt you wore the week before. It got so tiring, it really did. I’m allowed to wear whatever the fuck I want and I’m allowed to act however the fuck I want and the last thing I need is a girlfriend like my last that would get pissed at the slightest mistake or criticize who I am. Even if it was subconscious. No doubt, I made mistakes and I’m not perfect. I guess some personalities don’t click with others and that’s that. I hate some girls. I just see them shouting and acting like retards on buses and on streets. It’s not so much that, but it’s that judgmental shit they pull on you and all the ignorant comments.
“oh maah gosh you look soo gay”. I just don’t give a fuck. You know, there is a story behind every person. That hobo that you saw in the city? Yeah, he got left in a cardboard box as a baby with no one to look after him. He had to try to live off the streets by selling dope at the age of 5. Now he's 40 with no one that cares for him and everyone just walks past him, despising the guy for his clothes. No, no, no, no, just ignore all the good human morales. Just judge him for what he looks like. I don't think people realize how much a hug and 5 dollars means to a hobo. Some, they just want to live. They want someone to care for them. I guess not. Because this world is so cold now. 

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